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Apr. 4th, 2010

xox

goodbye girl

Yesterday I finally started to get rid of the things I had from years of trying to be a girl/woman.  Maybe not the best timing, the first holiday after my mom died, well there was Christmas but that was so soon after that I was still firmly in shock.  I cleared my bathroom of all the hair clips, make-up, lotions, and my curling iron that had been gathering dust for at least the last two years.  Three grocery bags full.  I just don't even know how to feel.  I know for sure that is not who I am or want to be, but it is the person that I have wanted to want to be for so long. Letting it go hurts in a way, like losing someone, however imaginary that person might be.  I was hoping to start on my linen closet and my clothes but I just was not up to it this weekend.

Everything bad feels worse since my mother died and the way I feel about my gender is no exception.  I can obsess about it sometimes.  I'm hoping that writing might help.  When I first realized I was transgendered, well awhile afterwords, I came out to my mom and she freaked out.  I found out, just a couple of years ago that she had started a lawsuit against the shrink I was seeing.  My next shrink was that one's partner who would have been aware of the lawsuit who told me that I just wanted to be someone else.  I spent the next 20 odd years trying to figure out who I was.  About 9 years ago my feelings of being trans started to surface and I would push them back down.  I think that it was my mom's terminal diagnosis two years ago that somehow gave me the freedom to face those feelings.  I feel kind of guilty about that.

One of the things about not at least acknowledging who I am is that I have isolated myself.  I felt that I didn't really fit in with the world and kept myself out of it other than work, school and my husband.  My mom provided my only social contact.  Now I'm trying to reach out and make friends but I'm not sure about coming out to the people I am starting to meet, and I don't know how or where to go to meet people who might accept me.  Blah, I'm just at a loss.

Mar. 5th, 2009

xox

Answers

There are no answers here.  I could google questions all day and night and not find any answers.  I am as spineless as some crawling creature.  I cannot make a stand for myself.  I have denied myself for so long, but denied myself of what?  That is another question.  If I looked it up, what would I find?  "what have I denied myself?"  I looked, I did and the answer is not there.  I barely feel human, let alone gendered, sexual identified, careered, homed, parented, lovered, childed. 

There is a whole world out there and I am afraid of it.  I am afraid to find the things that Ihave denied myself.  The world shimmers and wavers and all the people are just photographs.  Does everyone have feelings or is it just me?  Am I the only unshadow or am I the shadow and everyone else is whole and complete, solid and substantial? 

All I have is pretense.  I pretend to be human, I pretend to be whole and they have bought it, hook, line and sinker.  I could drink, I could drink and forget myself.  If I drank would I stop pretending or would I pretend even more?  If I stay I am acting if I go I am only make believe and not real at all.  So what else can I do?  I can put words out but nothing comes back.  If I hint at who I am they will reject me, so instead I reject them and still I am rejected.  I don't want to find anyone like me.  I don't want to know where the road leads.  I don't want to see my heart.  I don't want to know that there might be another way to be.  I don't want to be alone.  I am willing to do all that it takes to be loved.   I am willing to give up my heart.  I am willing to file myself away.  I am willing to be invisible if it means I will be loved.  What is the alternative?  I could be hated, alone and jobless, friendless, churchless, loverless.  What would I have to change about myself in order to be myself?  Awkward, hopeless case.  This is me and not me.  

What do they see?  Laughing, joking, walking tall, smiling like some kind of lunitic.  If I don'/t have a joke then something is wrong.  Someone once told me that I have such self confidence, how blind where they?  How well do I act that no one has a clue what is in here?  No one sees me fall and I fall all the time.  No one sees me drowning, gasping for air.  I am the ugly picture perfect girl who makes no mistakes but always finds her faults.  I am the picture perfect lover, always concerned, always caring, always giving.  I am the perfect parent, driving, coaxing, consoling, incouraging.  I am the perfect employee, on time, overtime, laughing, joying, working.  I always walk tall, always smile, always defer, always decide, always make time.

Apr. 17th, 2008

xox

(no subject)

I finally have time on the computer since my man got his own.  I can get at the damn thing.  I think that I could become addicted.  Maybe I'll start gaming.  I'm such a noob though.  I'd probably shoot everyone on my own team.

Sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't be absolutely wonderful to be a total bitch.  I know some total bitches and they just seem to get whatever they want.  Why do I bother even trying to be good all the time?  Incredibly stupid.  I don't want to rock the boat so I end up putting up with shit all the time and just hoping that things will change.  Why can't I stand up for myself and just say forget you! This is me! Deal with it!!!!

Apr. 12th, 2008

xox

I thought that i had done this before

I thought that I had done this before, but apparently I didn't .  Maybe I didn't finish? Maybe this is something new?  I'm wishing right now that my son went to bed at his old bedtime.  There goes my parent of the year award.

I've been wavering between depression and some kind of stupid peace.  My life has been on the very brink of completely falling apart of becoming very comfortably livable for an insane amount of time now.  It could go either way really.  I think that it might be getting better, but I could be wrong.  I have to start paying my student loan this month, so everything could still fall apart money   wise.

Job wise, I work in a soulless job that is boring me to tears, but I'm 40, up to my ears in student debt and a parent, so there really isn't much that I can do about that.  Maybe write the great Canadian novel? Yeah right.

Life wise things suck and don't suck at the same time.  My mother is terminally ill, so that sucks.  We are really close, so I really hate that.  My kid is almost 10 and pretty good as far as boys go.  My man is really good and we have been getting along pretty good lately, so my right at home life is really good.

Anyway, I'll probably be back more often, cause my man got his own damn computer to game on!!!!
xox

(no subject)

Sometimes I feel like I've just woke up.  I'm 40 years old and feel like I've missed huge chunks of my life.  I don't understand it.   Sometimes I feel like a little kid.  I wonder if this something that everyone goes through but no one talks about or is this just me?  I feel like I have been incredibly self absorbed for my whole live, completely self centered.  I think that I've just spent the last 25 years as a 15 year old.  5 more years and I'll be 20.  Not bad for an oldster.

Maybe I should take up smoking.

Mar. 20th, 2008

xox

Not smoking makes me cry

I've given up smoking for just over 6 weeks now. 

I don't believe in god anymore, I don't like the taste of donuts anymore.  Soon I won't like Tim's coffee if I do now. Its been so long since I've had it.

I was never a nice person, but now I'm comletely evil.  No wonder no one wants to talk to me.  At least I can work away from everyone now.  Stuck in my room with my music.  I can here them but they can't hear me, cause I'm not talking to anyone because I am a total witch that no one wants to talk to.

If I think about crying my eyes well up.  I am mean to my stupid family and I think suicidal thoughts even when I'm happy.  This is just so stupid.  My mouth waters whenever I think of a stupid cigarette.

And everyone will hate me if I start again even though I'll be a nicer person who likes donuts again and believes in god.  Oh, but I'll be broke.

I hate this so much and it will never, ever end.

Nov. 17th, 2007

xox

(no subject)

Another day, taking an extra kid to the parade tonight.  Santa parade, or parade of lights.  It's too early for this stuff.  Anyway, I thought that I was going to have tomorrow with nothing to do but play video games and knit, but I've got a show to go to, blah

Nov. 16th, 2007

xox

new

I'm starting in this new on-line community.  I've recently left another one that I felt just didn't fit with me after about a year.  Looking forward to poking around and checking things out.
xox

April 2010

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