There is a whole world out there and I am afraid of it. I am afraid to find the things that Ihave denied myself. The world shimmers and wavers and all the people are just photographs. Does everyone have feelings or is it just me? Am I the only unshadow or am I the shadow and everyone else is whole and complete, solid and substantial?
All I have is pretense. I pretend to be human, I pretend to be whole and they have bought it, hook, line and sinker. I could drink, I could drink and forget myself. If I drank would I stop pretending or would I pretend even more? If I stay I am acting if I go I am only make believe and not real at all. So what else can I do? I can put words out but nothing comes back. If I hint at who I am they will reject me, so instead I reject them and still I am rejected. I don't want to find anyone like me. I don't want to know where the road leads. I don't want to see my heart. I don't want to know that there might be another way to be. I don't want to be alone. I am willing to do all that it takes to be loved. I am willing to give up my heart. I am willing to file myself away. I am willing to be invisible if it means I will be loved. What is the alternative? I could be hated, alone and jobless, friendless, churchless, loverless. What would I have to change about myself in order to be myself? Awkward, hopeless case. This is me and not me.
What do they see? Laughing, joking, walking tall, smiling like some kind of lunitic. If I don'/t have a joke then something is wrong. Someone once told me that I have such self confidence, how blind where they? How well do I act that no one has a clue what is in here? No one sees me fall and I fall all the time. No one sees me drowning, gasping for air. I am the ugly picture perfect girl who makes no mistakes but always finds her faults. I am the picture perfect lover, always concerned, always caring, always giving. I am the perfect parent, driving, coaxing, consoling, incouraging. I am the perfect employee, on time, overtime, laughing, joying, working. I always walk tall, always smile, always defer, always decide, always make time.
There are no answers here. I could google questions all day and night and not find any answers. I am as spineless as some crawling creature. I cannot make a stand for myself. I have denied myself for so long, but denied myself of what? That is another question. If I looked it up, what would I find? "what have I denied myself?" I looked, I did and the answer is not there. I barely feel human, let alone gendered, sexual identified, careered, homed, parented, lovered, childed.