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Not smoking makes me cry

I've given up smoking for just over 6 weeks now. 

I don't believe in god anymore, I don't like the taste of donuts anymore.  Soon I won't like Tim's coffee if I do now. Its been so long since I've had it.

I was never a nice person, but now I'm comletely evil.  No wonder no one wants to talk to me.  At least I can work away from everyone now.  Stuck in my room with my music.  I can here them but they can't hear me, cause I'm not talking to anyone because I am a total witch that no one wants to talk to.

If I think about crying my eyes well up.  I am mean to my stupid family and I think suicidal thoughts even when I'm happy.  This is just so stupid.  My mouth waters whenever I think of a stupid cigarette.

And everyone will hate me if I start again even though I'll be a nicer person who likes donuts again and believes in god.  Oh, but I'll be broke.

I hate this so much and it will never, ever end.


Smoking would have been suicide for me,,

I've Been where you might have been as you wrote this- regarding the foul weed. Nicotine's an alkaloid of profoundly intense affect bindings. I found myself sucking on one of wifey's Cancer Sticks at 5ayem this morning when she asked me to hold it for a sec... And I knew on the second inhale that I was literally never going to "forget" the affect of smoking.

Nor live to forgive myself If I took it up again.. smoking whilst on oxygen's a stupidly bad way to die and one I'd rather never do:)

Which were the thoughts I had as I handed her back the smokestick, And accepted my narrow escape as proof of how slim a margin we've got of self control. I do so hope you're more disciplined than I am. And that you make the last puff you took be the last one you want.
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April 2010

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