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goodbye girl

Yesterday I finally started to get rid of the things I had from years of trying to be a girl/woman.  Maybe not the best timing, the first holiday after my mom died, well there was Christmas but that was so soon after that I was still firmly in shock.  I cleared my bathroom of all the hair clips, make-up, lotions, and my curling iron that had been gathering dust for at least the last two years.  Three grocery bags full.  I just don't even know how to feel.  I know for sure that is not who I am or want to be, but it is the person that I have wanted to want to be for so long. Letting it go hurts in a way, like losing someone, however imaginary that person might be.  I was hoping to start on my linen closet and my clothes but I just was not up to it this weekend.

Everything bad feels worse since my mother died and the way I feel about my gender is no exception.  I can obsess about it sometimes.  I'm hoping that writing might help.  When I first realized I was transgendered, well awhile afterwords, I came out to my mom and she freaked out.  I found out, just a couple of years ago that she had started a lawsuit against the shrink I was seeing.  My next shrink was that one's partner who would have been aware of the lawsuit who told me that I just wanted to be someone else.  I spent the next 20 odd years trying to figure out who I was.  About 9 years ago my feelings of being trans started to surface and I would push them back down.  I think that it was my mom's terminal diagnosis two years ago that somehow gave me the freedom to face those feelings.  I feel kind of guilty about that.

One of the things about not at least acknowledging who I am is that I have isolated myself.  I felt that I didn't really fit in with the world and kept myself out of it other than work, school and my husband.  My mom provided my only social contact.  Now I'm trying to reach out and make friends but I'm not sure about coming out to the people I am starting to meet, and I don't know how or where to go to meet people who might accept me.  Blah, I'm just at a loss.


Hang in thwere- it does get easier- even if it's not looking like that now.

We will be what we need to be if only we trust ourselves enough. My condolences on your loss, and I do so hope you keep memories of your mother as loving. See- our mothers may not always appear to "really" care in the ways we'd want them to. Yet, in their hearts- even if it may not appear as such to us- they're trying to love us in the only ways they know. I had some really deep back and forths with my mom over my lifestyle issues etc. My benediction of healing is upon both you and all in your life.

April 2010

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